I lie on my back with blood dripping off my body. I try to breathe, but I can’t feel the breath make it into my lungs any longer. With my eyes closed as I endure the pain that is radiating throughout my whole body, I can feel myself drifting away. I hear my enemy’s feet as he approaches me to finish the task that he has started. As I open my eyes, they are blurry from all the sweat running down my face. He is standing over me now. A slight smile falls off of his lips. My blood on his hands. He rears his arm back as far as he can to pierce my body one final time. I squeeze my eyes back closed in an attempt to lessen the pain of what I know is my inevitable future, and in that very moment I cry out, “Oh, God!”
Welcome to the battlefield.
The battlefield that cannot be seen, but is felt by every single one of us. The battlefield that even though our bodies may not be dripping blood, we are almost completely lifeless. Where we may still be breathing, but the air is barely touching our lungs. The place where the enemy is consistently fighting us- reminding us of our short-comings, our failures, and our fears. And although this battlefield seems unreal- due to not being able to see it physically- it is more real than anything else we may encounter in this world.
“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” Ephesians 6:12
As you look at me, I look normal. I am not physically wounded. My dress attire- as it always is. Hair neatly placed. Makeup freshly applied. All looks fairly normal from the outside. We make small talk, and everything seems pretty normal. So, how are you supposed to know that I am fighting? How are you supposed to know that I can’t get the voices in my head to shut up? They started out softly whispering my failures and short-comings, and now they are screaming so loudly, that I can barely hear a word that you are saying to me. How are you supposed to know that emotionally, mentally, and spiritually I am lying on the ground about to give up? How are you supposed to know that I am extremely exhausted from this battle?
Maybe I am not alone in this feeling. Maybe someone who is reading this at this very moment is battling. Maybe you are sitting on the couch watching tv trying to distract your mind, maybe you are working trying to keep your mind so busy that it has no time to take you back to the battle at hand, maybe you are lying on the bathroom floor in a fetal position while you breath short/shallow breathes, maybe you’re in the tub sobbing into a wash clothe just so no one will hear you, or possibly you are in your car riding just trying to escape the pain of this life and the battle raging in your mind.
I don’t know where you are or what your “battle” is. I would go as far as to say we ALL have a battle that we fight. Whether your battle is rejection, pride, gluttony, love of money or material things, lust, sexual promiscuity, adultery, fear, anxiety, depression, idolatry, addiction (of all sorts- pornography, gambling, drugs, alcohol, tobacco, excessive spending, social media, food) – the list goes on and on. We all battle with something!!
Most of us keep our battles at bay or hidden. They are quiet. They normally stay in the back of our minds. For the most part, we are able to ward them off. But when life gets heavy, when stress seems to pile up taller than what we are used to juggling, when reality trumps our hopes and it doesn’t quite add up to our expectations, when we get tired… when our tiredness turns into shear exhaustion- that’s when the small voice of lies in our minds seem to get louder. They keep saying the things that we have been fighting off. They get so loud that we can’t hear our own thoughts to fight them off any longer. They get so loud that we can’t hear the people around us very well. They get so loud that we fall extremely deep into our minds, and it is in that moment that we find ourselves right in the middle of a full-blown battle.
Through each of my battles, I find myself starting out being able to ward off the enemy. I use what knowledge and biblical teachings I have learned thus far to fight. The word tells us that in the spirit of heaviness, to put on the garment of praise. It is easy to praise God when things are good and you feel like giving praise, but what about when you’re heavy? It’s not so easy then. It’s not easy to raise your voice, hands, or heart when you feel like you can barely breathe. When you feel like you weigh double or triple your weight because of the burden you are carrying. As I continue with each battle, I am always in awe at what God has in store for me to learn. There is always a lesson in the battle.
My first real, big battle was 11 almost 12 years ago. Every thing that I had done or accomplished in my short 23-24 years of my life at that time, I gave myself credit for. I had worked hard for the things, accomplishments, and relationships that I had achieved at that point in my life. I was full of pride. So full of pride that I didn’t realize where my strength had come from. I was in control of my life and I was thriving.
Little did I know how minimal the control or strength I had or even have today. Weeks before I laid in a hospital bed at 29 weeks pregnant with my first child, I can recall the memory of my mother occasionally falling upon her face as she came to the end of herself. When life became heavy and she would seek God’s face for guidance. She would seek His face for peace. Her mother and my aunts all set this example for me as a child and growing into a young adult. And I can vividly remember thinking to myself, “I don’t think I could ever fall upon my face in front of child.”
I am not sure if I recognized this feeling as pride at the time, but there is no doubt that that is exactly what it was and what it still is at times, that holds me back from showing raw, real emotions. Pride is what held me back from thinking that I would be able to show praise and glory to the one who had given me everything.
After hours of battling, I finally found God at the end of myself. After hours of fighting a fight of lies and fear and anxiety and an unknown future. After hours of heartfelt, honest praying one night in that hospital bed, I realized that falling upon my face in front of my child would be the least of the things that I could do. I learned, laying in that bed, how to pray through a battle. I opened my heart like I had never before. I made myself more vulnerable than what I already was, calling out each of my sins and shortcomings. I wept. The tears soaked my hair. The hospital pillow caught each one until the case was soak and wet. I laid in that bed and humility fell over me. Humbleness filled my heart. Although, I was laying in a bed, I had just fell upon my face. And after I came to the realization that falling upon my face was nothing more than pushing my pride to the side and recognizing that nothing comes from me in my own strength, life’s perception was different. My relationship with God was different.
As I have been preparing this blog for a little over a month now, a particular scripture keeps coming up in my study. I find it as NO surprise that it was linked to each word that I researched. Battle, War, Defeat, Pride, Humility, and Humbleness. With every battle there is a lesson. With every weakness, we are reminded that God is our strength. Joshua 7:6-
6 Then Joshua tore his clothes and fell facedown to the ground before the ark of the LORD, remaining there till evening. The elders of Israel did the same, and sprinkled dust on their heads.
Beings this was the first time I had really read this scripture, I read it over and over.
In the interpretation it states that Joshua and the elders tore their clothing and sprinkled dust on their heads as a sign on deep mourning before God. They were confused by their defeat at the small city of Ai after the spectacular Jericho victory. So they went before God in deep humility and sorrow to receive His instructions. When our lives fall apart, we also should turn to God for direction and help. Like Joshua and the elders, we too should humble ourselves so that we will be able to hear His words.
With each battle- no matter how large or small, I try to fight it in my own strength. The flesh kicks in and I find myself fighting. I try to ward it off. I try to become proud of myself for the victories that aren’t actually mine. I try to defeat an enemy that has already been defeated- just not defeated by my strength. I try and I try and I try and I try…. until I find myself at the end of myself. I find myself lying in the middle of that battlefield about to be destroyed. I find myself bleeding, breathless, and with no strength to go on. But it is also at that very moment, when I find myself at the end of me, that I find HIS strength through MY weakness. It is in that moment when I swallow my pride, and humility falls over me. It is in that moment that I call out to God to save me once more. And it is in that very moment, that He reaches His mighty hand down- One. More. Time. and destroys the one attacking me. He destroys the one attacking my mind. He destroys my enemy again.
If you are fighting a battle right now. If your body is dripping blood. If your lungs are breathless. If your bones are dry. If you are lying on your bathroom floor in the fetal position. If you are driving around trying to run away from the voices that tell you lies. If you are attempting to drown them out with your addiction. If you are paralyzed by fear and anxiety. If your battlefield is getting intense. If the blows keep coming strong and your strength keeps growing weary- I type these next few lines with tears streaming down my cheeks and my teeth clinched as tightly as they may- DON’T YOU DARE GIVE UP. DO YOU HEAR ME? DON’T. YOU. DARE. GIVE. UP!! DON’T YOU DARE LET THE DEVIL HAVE WHAT ISN’T HIS. In this moment, cry out to God. Rid yourself of your pride and humble yourself before Him. Let humility fall over body like a blanket. Ask HIM to fight for you. If all you can say is “Jesus!” say it. If all you say is “Oh God!” say it. If all you can remember is “Jesus loves me” from your childhood, sing it! He said all that are weak and weary- come to Him, and He will give us rest. If your fight has you weak and weary, cry out to Him. If you are longing for rest, although your arms may feel like a ton brick is attached to them, raise them! He says, “Vengeance is mine saithe the Lord!’ When you are feeling defeated, just know that you cannot be destroyed, for you are a child of God and you are covered by the blood of the Lamb. Cry out to Him. Put on the full armor of God and just cry out!