As children we are asked over and over, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” Very rarely are we ever asked the more important question of WHO do you want to be?
As I examine myself, my heart, and my life- I have found that I am not even close to the person I want to be.
If you scroll on any social media site, the world has become an expert on telling us who we should be.
If you’re a female, the world will tell you that your hair should be voluminous, and filled with dimension. Your face without a wrinkle or blemish. Eyelashes full, long, and don’t forget to curl them up. Eyebrows perfectly shaped and shaded. Nose thin and contoured. Cheek bones high and rosy. Lips full and pouty. Teeth perfect straight and don’t forget to whiten them!
As a woman, the world will critique your body. They will tell you, you should have a fit, toned, firm body with a flat stomach and a booty like a Kardashian. Breasts that are full and perky. Thighs with a gap- whatever that is. Arms perfectly toned so they don’t flap as you wave to people. Nails and toenails that are always to be neatly manicured and painted. Your wardrobe should change as often or even more so with the seasons, being sure that you have the most up-to-date styles in clothing and shoes. Accessories are a must and also should be updated frequently. Macros should be logged. Exercise should be at least 30 minutes a day. Water intake should equal half of your body weight in ounces a day. And be sure to eat clean! Women are expected to work a full-time job as though they don’t have children, and raise children as though they don’t have a full-time job.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love to look and feel good with the best of them. I love having a career that I have worked hard to obtain over the years. But is that really where I want to invest all of time? On my outer shell? My exterior? Or my title, position, or career?
When I really get real with myself and take a true self-assessment of who I am and who I want to be, yes of course I’d love to be 10 pounds lighter, more in shape, stomach flatter, booty fatter, lips fuller, and honestly that thigh gap thingy doesn’t really appeal to me. I would love to be more educated, a whiz at my position, or maybe have a more prestigious title.
While my intentions are initially seemingly good, I find that all too often my that I am NOT really WHO I want to be. So then I find myself asking the question, “Who do you want to be?” With more enthusiasm with each time I ask it, until I am eventually sounding like Noah Calhoun off of The Notebook- I find myself intently asking “WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE?”
Who do I want to be? Funny you would ask. Haha
I want to be the very best version of myself. Not just physically, but emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.
I want to be as faithful as Mary was when Gabriel told her she would be the mother to the messiah, even though she was a virgin and merely 12-14 years old.
I want to have the faith the size of a mustard seed knowing with just that tiny amount of faith, I can tell a mountain to move from here to there, and it will. With just that tiny amount of faith, I can and will watch miracles.
I want to trust and be trusted as Naomi did.
I want my actions to speak louder than my words as I attempt to reveal my heart through them.
I want to have the courage and faith that Bartimaeus had as he yelled through the large crowd to ask Jesus to return his eyesight.
I want to be able to touch just the hem of His garment knowing that if I can just touch the hem, He can heal me from whatever ales me.
I want to be a Proverbs 31 woman.
I want to be a wife of noble character with a husband that has full confidence in her.
I want to be a woman who gets up early to provide for her family.
I want to be one who works vigorously and eagerly with my hands.
I want to open my arms to the needy, feed the poor, and clothe the oppressed.
I want to clothed in strength in dignity, fine linen and purple.
I want to speak with wisdom and my tongue have faithful instruction.
I want to watch over the affairs of my home.
I want my children and grandchildren to call me blessed.
I want to have the strength of David to fight any Goliath that comes my way.
I want to be grateful without being greedy, knowing that all I have has never been by my hands alone.
I want to forgive those who have hurt me just as Jesus forgave Judas and Peter- and just as He forgives me. And I want others to forgive me as I will always fall short of the Glory of God.
I want to leave people better than I received them.
I want to love like Jesus.
So what am I doing today to more of who I want to be tomorrow?
I surely know that I will never live up to the expectation of perfection that the world tells me that I should be. But it’s not the world that has created me or longs for my soul as God the father, the son, and the Holy Spirit does.
When my faith is fickle, and I just don’t know who I am or that God really does love a ratchet wretch like me, I want to humble myself before Him knowing He can restore me to the very version of myself.
As I continue along this journey of my life, may I keep these attributes that I so desperately long to acquire at the very forefront of my heart. May I work diligently day in and day out to strive to be a better me, so that I may give the best of myself to others, and more importantly to the One who has given to me.
I am not who I want to, but I continue to strive to be her! <3