My mother recently passed away a few months ago. Learning to live life without the one who carried you and helped form you in their womb for nine months and then beyond has been challenging, to say the least.
I’ve heard the depth of love matches the depth of the pain when you lose someone. I would have to agree with that statement. No matter the disagreements, the space of moving out and starting a family of your own, or the time that passes without seeing or talking to her- you always know your mother has your back and loves you. Not having that kind of security is sometimes an empty feeling—a feeling of being an orphan even.
About a month after her passing, my daughter had a cheerleading dinner. The whole team and the mothers were present. I had dreaded the event all day, not because I didn’t want to go and make a sweet memory with my daughter and her team- because honestly I live for those moments- but because I felt like all I could do that day was breathe- just breathe. Every ounce of energy exerted that day was to simply inhale and then exhale. Mostly shallow breaths, with an occasional deep sigh, but breathing nonetheless.
It sounds kind of funny that an automatic bodily function had to be assisted- since, quite frankly, our bodies know exactly how to breathe in and out on their own without our help. While we sleep, eat, talk, exercise, work, play, watch TV, scroll through social media, cook supper, whatever it is we are doing, our brain tells our lungs (in not-so-medical lingo) to keep breathing in to receive some more good stuff- oxygen- and then to exhale and release the bad stuff- carbon dioxide.
One of the cheer moms at our “Mom table” talked about her day and what she had done and yet to do. Then another chimed in with her list of accomplishments and yet-to-be-finished goals to achieve. I sat there amongst them all and, out of nowhere, said, “Well, I didn’t get much done today. All I could seem to do was breathe.” With a convincing reassurance to myself, I continued with an overly confident, “Yeah, I just breathed today.” Being a high-achieving person most of my life, with a structured “to-do” list and an attached timetable to ensure it all gets checked off on time, that was hard to admit, but it was so true. Just breathe, Britt. In… out…Inhale….exhale…
Later that night, one of the mothers sent me a message and told me she heard what I said and remembered being in that exact spot when she had lost her stepfather. She heard me! Isn’t that a characteristic that we all desire to give to others and have others grant us space to speak our own truths? Even when our voices crack, or the truth is not the depiction of our lives that we want others to see of us?
She explained that her heart ached for me because she remembered being in the same place and feeling the same way some years prior. Her admission to feeling those same emotions during a similar loss was reassuring.
As I pondered on this saying and what it truly meant, I continued to listen to my worship music that speaks of breath and breathing:
“Breathe” by Maverick City
” This goes out to worried
This goes out to the stressed
Sorting out a million thoughts running through your head
To everyone that’s waiting on better days ahead
Tired and frustrated and leaving words unsaid
Please dont hold your breath. just breathe
“Cause it’s a miracle we can breathe
There’s power in the way that we breathe
release your heavy burdens
And let everything that has breath
Praise the Lord
This is why we have breath sp praise the Lord”
“Lean Back” (Live) Capital City Music
“You will never leave
Your love sustaining me
Before I even knew what love was
You’ve brought me to rest
And given me space to breathe
So I’ll stay still until it sinks in
I will lean back in the loving arms of a beautiful Father
Breathe deep and know that He is good
He’s a love like no other”
“Hold On To Me” Lauren Daigle
“When the best of me is barely breathing
When I’m not someone I believe in
Hold on to me
When I miss the light the night has stolen
When I’m slammin’ all the doors You’ve opened
Hold on to me
Hold on to me
Hold on to me when it’s too dark to see You
When I am sure I have reached the end
Hold on to me when I forget I need You
When I let go, hold me again”
“Goodness of God” Cece Winans
“I love you, Lord
For Your mercy never fails me
All my days I’ve been held in Your hand
From the moment that I wake up
Until I lay my head
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God.
Cause all my life You have been faithful
And all my life You have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God”
I got lost in deep thought while I was still worshipping and singing. I was singing lyrics that I have sung over and over for years, but really searching the depth of each word. While in that deep place, my nurse’s mind went to what breath controls in our bodies. How our breathing affects our health. What our breathing indicates over certain aspects of our lives, bodies, and wellness.
See, when someone is anxious or depressed, they may take shallow breaths. Some even hold their breath. Although much of this is done nonconsciously, it affects more than most people realize. Without proper oxygenation to our lungs, our hearts can’t feed the rest of our vital organs and cells. This causes many issues if it is not reversed. Simple breathing exercises are used to combat shallow breathing. They teach us to breathe in through our noses and out through our mouths.
Think about that for just a moment… God breathed into our nostrils when He was creating us.
Our breath was given to us to worship Him (Psalm 144:4), commune with Him (1 Thessalonians 5:17), and to give us life (Job 33:4).
During times of sorrow or grief, when our breath becomes shallow, and we feel like every ounce of energy is focused only on breathing- what if those are the moments when He is breathing in our nostrils and filling us with His Spirit? He told us that He had to leave before the comforter could come to be with us (John 14:15-21:25).
Jesus said to them again, “Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, even so, I am sending you.” And when He said this, He breathed on them and said to them, “Receive the Holy Spirit.”
John 20:21-22
“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness,” 2 Timothy 3:16.
2 Timothy 3:16
“The spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life.” Job 33:4
Job 33:4
“And the dust returns to the earth as it was, and the spirit returns to God who gave it.”
Ecclesiastes 12:7
“ The hand of the Lord was on me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the Lord and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. 2 He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. 3 He asked me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”
Ezekiel 37:1-28
I said, “Sovereign Lord, you alone know.”
4 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! 5 This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath[a] enter you, and you will come to life. 6 I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.’”
7 So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. 8 I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them, and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.
9 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come, breath, from the four winds and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’” 10 So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.
11 Then he said to me: “Son of man, these bones are the people of Israel. They say, ‘Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.’ 12 Therefore prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: My people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. 13 Then you, my people, will know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. 14 I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it, declares the Lord.’
“Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groaning too deep for words.”
Romans 8:26
Although, I, too, feel as though I have been in a valley of dry bones for some time now. Mine being some of the dryest there. But what if the Father- my Father- wanted to hold me, comfort me, and breathe life back into me the way that no person in this universe can or could? What if just breathing is all He intended for me to do in this season? What if it was so He could simply breathe life back into the broken and dry places?
I choose to believe that is His plan. I choose to believe that when my breaths are shallow and my body is craving for more oxygen, when I sigh deeply, He is permeating every cell in my body to bring me back to life in a way I’ve never known before.
Grief is an emotion that I have experienced before, but definitely never like this- not to this magnitude. I am grateful for a comforter who wraps me up in HIs arms from the inside out, the way no human can possibly wrap us up, and just holds me. I am grateful for His word that is living and breathing and breathing life back into me.
May the breath of God become my lifeline. May it bring me back to life in ways I never imagined- with less of me and more of Him.